Saturday, October 21, 2017

#Metoo--I want more!: Three things the #metoo Movement Needs

#Metoo--I want more!: Three things the #metoo Movement Needs

As the #metoo hashtag has spread through facebook, I have been hesitant to participate. It’s not because I don’t agree with it. I want women to feel empowered to speak out.

I hesitate because I want more.

1. More Explanation

I want more explanation of what #metoo means. It's a messy topic. There's going to be push and pull like any other cultural shift before it.  We need more explanation, discussion, for two main reasons;

1) So that both women and men who are being irreparably harmed by sexually harassed can know they can come forward when they’re not sure.


2) Because some people are complaining about behavior that is harmless. Or is it? We need a dialogue to deal with this sentiment that is part of the #metoo conversation.


Things can be gray, again for two reasons. 


1) When we’re told 'that’s the way it is', or that’s just “boys being boys” so many times, sadly we need to be told what is unacceptable. We need to be told what we actually have the right to speak up against. 


2) We see things differently. You are not like your neighbor. What one person calls sexual harassment another might not.

For example, A few years back I was in a romantic relationship where I felt sexually taken advantage of, but I thought 'that's just how relationships are.' Things were really gray. My boyfriend understood “no, ” but I wanted to be good to him. I wasn’t sure when to say no. He was my boyfriend. Often I thought, “that’s what being in a relationship is like”.  When we had one too many discussions about my decision to slow things down I got out. Through this relationship, my perspective changed.

Another example I encountered on facebook. A friend of mine posted that someone over a work call called her "beautiful" saying, "it's so nice to have a beautiful woman talk to me." Is this sexual harassment? Does it take away someone's power? To be honest, I don't see it that way. To me it seems like someone's lousy attempt at flattery. I'm not saying it's okay just that this is an example of why we need more explanation. 


And yes, there are certainly times when it is clear--like, no means no. 

Honestly, we treat each other like shit, making fun of clothes, hair, taking digs that belittle and take away people's power. TV and movies legitimize it, as it does with how we treat people as sexual objects—objects to be owned. It's usery (and we're guilty of it in more than sexual ways) "Sex and the City", a women’s show is one of the worst offenders, because it makes it look okay. After all, a woman is doing it to a man.

It's not okay!

We need to start explaining, so we all know. We need to start shouting louder than those who legitimize this usery!

3. How to Help Healing

We need to talk about how to heal the hurt, how to give people their power back when it’s been stolen from them. How do we free the captives, when it’s not about land or literal chains when it’s just about the culture we’re submerged in? How do we provide safety?

3. Bridges to Honesty

And we need to be honest with ourselves and realize we’ve all done it. We all need grace! Yes, I’m talking to you, who’s obsessed with “Magic Mike”. Overly sexualizing people, men or women, is the gateway to sexual harassment. It’s the gateway to your victim saying #metoo. We need to find a way to look into ourselves and say no more.

We need to seek a better way to be and build bridges for those who are truly terrible (not just 'Magic Mike' fans but full on blackmailers, and everything in between). They need help. We need to provide bridges for them to get it. 

Villainizing, creating fear will not make them stop. It just makes them hide and threaten more. To villianize is to take away someone's power and isn't that what we're against? Instead what if we had faith things could be different, they could be different? What if they got an opportunity to exit the situation and get the help they need to get back to work, to have their job and dignity (eventually). That would help.

Villianizing also makes it hard to call people out that you care about. When there's no bridge to honesty, no grace and faith that the "villain" can reform, calling someone out turns into conversation bomb.


Truth is they don't always know they're doing it. And when it comes up, they get defensive. We get defensive and things get heated. But if we build bridges to honesty, to reforming for the victimizers, things can get better.


There’s nothing nobler than someone getting help and working to better themselves. Let’s encourage that! Let’s encourage that in us all.

How do we do this? Tell me? We need to discuss it.
I want more!